A Letter From The Past

I’ve been meaning to write this yesterday but since I’m quite occupied with several things, it has to wait until now. I feel about telling you about my weekend. Friday night as per usual we talked on the phone until late at night and surely I woke up late but thankfully we were able to catch the first schedule of the movie hateful eight by Quentin Tarantino (one of my favorite director) the movie ain’t too shabby but it contains several disturbing scenes, I learnt that she isn’t too keen about that kind of scene so no wonder if she covered her eyes during the scene.

We went shopping for groceries afterward as we planned to cook our own dinner we made mac and cheese and ate it while we watched another movie from her computer, halfway through the movie, she fell asleep (eat and sleep is so her thing) so we spend the rest of the night cuddling and talk about random things. As the time goes by, we both fell asleep for a couple minutes, regrettably I can’t stay because the next day I would like to speak to my parents about our plan.

That Sunday wasn’t exactly sunny, the rain was pouring down when I went to my parents’. Well I thought that at some point there would be quite an argument and I’m prepared with all my things, slideshow, and stuff to convince them, turned out they found my presentation quite convincing and they only concern was whether her parents agreed about the plan and give it a go.

Ever since knowing that my parents actually fine with our plan, I feel that our relationship is ten times more solid, amusing and delightful, I want to spend an adequate time with her at work (sounds simple but complicated at the same time given the circumstances), I fond of her sweet hugs, her silly smile, our distance I love you hand sign, and the moment when she softly called me “mas” without purpose and no follow-up afterward, and on top of it I absolutely love her new hairstyle with the bangs and ponytail, effectively make her cuteness increase by at least 27% (add a glasses to the equation and I don’t need some top notch adhesive to get my eyes glued on you).


A Thin Line Between Love and Lust


Kuta Lombok @fatcateatstacos

“Every time I see you, all I wanna do is to make you happy… I promise you this until one day we’ll be apart.”

“If you promise me happiness why would you leave me?”

“It’s because we have to. Our romance is not meant to be forever…”

“Why me? Why not anybody else? You will make me suffered after all…”

“We both will be suffered…”

“Then you’re so selfish that you refuse to be suffered all by yourself.”

“I won’t be suffered if I never had a chance to care and to fall in love with you. I’ll be suffered because I know how it feels to love you and suddenly have to leave you…”

“Then, don’t start… so, no one will be suffered from the pain after the separation.”

“But I can’t… I just can’t live this moment without you. I’ve never been this happy with anybody but you.”

Have you ever met anybody who comes to you, makes you care, and has a plan to leave you? Is that love? Or is that lust?


Not Just A Stranger with No Name


Cafe in Penang @fatcateatstacos

I don’t know his name, but I met him in a cafe with this sign outside.

I was in Penang for random trip, not much of purpose just a random trip all by myself. I stumbled upon a cafe on my way back to the hotel, just right after I had a decent portion of Nasi Kandar for lunch. A small red painted cafe with extraordinary delicious aroma of Arabica struck my nose.

I didn’t feel like drinking coffee at first because it was such a hot afternoon in Penang, so I just went inside the coffee shop out of the curiosity from the alluring smell. When I stepped inside, I found a lonely spot at the corner of the room under a huge post-modern art from Penang’s finest local artist I bet. The room is packed with foreigners and several locals, and I was just a half Asian half Western girl in the middle of the packed coffee shop. I didn’t plan to blend in, I just looked for ice coffee and escaped for a moment from the blazing sun outside.

When I walked to approach the seat, suddenly a tall Middle Eastern man just sat on it before I even had a chance to reach. I was so upset but still managed to look for the possible spot to sit as I finally asked the waiter where to sit. The waiter then looked around and he guided me to the chair where the Middle Eastern man sat. I followed him but I was about to cancel the order and preferred to get out until suddenly the Middle Eastern man took a glance at me and smiled.

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Two Souls and Memories

It was a rainy day in Adelaide when I first saw you waving at me. I wasn’t really sure that you did really wave at me. A tall and dark skinned man in blue sweater with heart as warm as my favorite drink at Cibo. It was you and all your flaws.

Then there was our first “hi” for the uncountable togetherness. If only I wasn’t late for the class and you didn’t miss the earlier bus from Malvern… we would never meet. From the casual “talking-over-coffee” in Adelaide CBD to romantic hot air balloon champagne. From one friendly hug to nights of passionate kiss. From a sweet and shy conversation to a wild and honest topic in the mid-night.

But can’t we be like this forever?

Can I spend forever with you? Then how long is forever?

We’ve never been a lover nor a friend. We are just two lost souls finding someone to fulfill our empty heart and accidentally it was happened to be you and me. From million people it was just you that had a chance to fill my heart, as much as I might suffocated by the huge amount of oxygen. I need to breathe in to it but I can’t handle it without breathing out.

Why there should be you? Have you ever questioned why there was me? Why did you see me and ask me things? Why I stopped and mesmerized by your beauty from afar?

Don’t you know that your almond shaped eyes are the black hole that can suck me inside of you forever in a complete darkness? But instead of scared of being sucked inside, I’d rather be there in the complete darkness for you. I may lost the track of time and dimension inside your deep hypnotizing eyes, even when the death come nearer I still can’t tell where I am.

As the plane crashing down… all I can see is you holding me and I have no fear to die.

The Rooftop. Last Night.


My personal collection: instagram.com/fatcateatstacos

I picture you. Your eyes and your lips. Those are my favorite things to see and I wish to see them everyday in my life endlessly. But how could you are not mine?

How and why?

We are so close yet so distant. You are the hidden treasure I finally found among the uncertainty and lies. But why you are not mine?

Then why you held me close in the rain, stroked my hair with your gentle gesture, and showered me the purest affection? I’m in love and I can’t undo it.

Can we just forget who we are?

Just be who we want tonight. At this lonely rooftop hotel. You, me, and the bright night sky. Talking about life and memories like we have known each other since forever. Nobody is matter enough to replace this moment, because tonight I’m all yours and you’re mine.



Counterfeit Product


Personal collection: instagram.com/fatcateatstacos

I don’t like seeing too many people, including their noise and their fake courtesy. If you think I’m a weird sociopath, no I’m afar from that label (maybe sometimes). My personality test says that I’m an extrovert, but sometimes my extrovert side doesn’t work all the time. I’m more like an ambivert. Sometimes I get wild and crazy with people around me, sometimes I get so bitter that my words can bite them to death. It’s just depend on the situation and the person I interact with.

I just wanna be real. Even when it’s not easy to get along with people who think “being real” is rude.

Don’t you people sick of being fake?

Pretend they care about us but actually they’re just dying to know things? Like “Why don’t you bring Dave?” means they’re curious if you’re dating Dave or whoever depending on how you would answer them (I don’t date Dave, it’s just a sample name). They start to conclude your situation by their own shallow opinion based on your reaction.

Why should us be nice to those kind of people? Just because we don’t want to be called arrogant? Indifferent? Just to blend in? Be normal? No, that’s not normal. You know you hate them, it’s not normal to act nice if you don’t like them. Too many appropriateness, too many rules in society for being “nice” and “attentive” which is annoying.

Why normal doesn’t seem normal for me? Fit in with society even though it is so sick, racist, and defame you like a back-stabber but act nice in front of your very eyes?

Are this people everywhere?

Or is it only in Indonesia?

Where people throw smile just to show how nice they are even if it’s just a “counterfeit”.


Prose: Do I Miss You?

Abstract Light-page-001

Between Lights and Memories – Gouache on Canvas Paper (2016)

It was you who got me into trouble years ago. A troublesome love. The uncontinued story between you and me.

Same day, same place, in 2014

I remember the day I sent you a stupid piece of writing I took from “10 Things I Hate About You” in this cafetaria. You asked me why I hate the way you drive your car, and then I said that I hate the way you drive me crazy even more. We laughed. We were in love.

Do you remember when we called each other every night no matter how many times we met during the day? Or when you called me while I was in a bad mood for being so faraway from each other? You started to tell an imaginary dog’s love story to cheer me up. Do you remember the day I called just to tell you how my day was even though we had lunch together in the same day?

I remember the time when I drove at night to your flat when I suddenly missed you with no reason. Even we had to keep it silent because I might wake your roommate for being too loud and over excited while hugging you when I arrived. Later we talked about secrets and we kissed in a dark. We fell asleep in your bed with my clothes on because we felt the intimacy created from a deep talk not sexual intercourse. From the first night to many many nights after, with deeper talk and ugly tees we wore.

I also reckon the moment when you drove for three hours just to have lunch and dinner with me on Sunday. Then I suggested you a weird place to hang out because I ran off the idea. We still enjoyed that between kebab and stupid conversations.

Do you remember when we went out for some ice creams during the exam week? When you taught me one subject that I nailed it with higher score than you got? Or the day we studied together in the same ice cream shop but ended up talking about random stuffs again?

But then I walked away, I pushed you away before you left me and took me for granted. I chose not to believe you, I chose to be distant and I chose to let it go. I have never wanted to be the last one in pain, nor the last one who waited for the story crumbled by itself. I wanted to be selfish because it avoided me from losing more of your kindness and memories of us.

Do I miss you?

Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

From: “An Ode Of Memories” (2014) with moderation.